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  I met his stare and gave a satisfied smile. “Now, clean it up.”

  He drew back and arched a brow.

  Recalling he would still be my neighbor tomorrow, I wavered between the girl he knew, the submissive woman men wanted me to be, the dominant control freak I was, and the class act I wanted to achieve. Fuck. Fuck! I shouldn’t be thinking this hard.

  I pleased men most of the time. This was my time. Mine and Noah’s. What if he didn’t like this side of me? What if no one would ever like me aside from Gavin? Did this part of me have to disappear with the rest of Avery Dean Mudd?

  Realizing he was no longer touching me and still looking at me with that confused expression, I suddenly wanted to crawl out of my skin and be someone else.

  “Forget it.” I shoved him off.

  “Wait a second!” He leveled his body over mine, refusing to let me up. “What’s happening here? Is this… Are you, like … one of those women who…”

  Oh, my God, I couldn’t do this. I searched for my bra. “This was a mistake.”

  “No, it wasn’t.” He yanked me back to the bed when I tried to escape again, this time pinning me in place. “Talk to me, Avery.”

  My lips pressed tight. I wasn’t going to spell it out. Or maybe I was because I still wanted to fuck him. “I like control.”

  He laughed. “No shit.”

  “No, I mean I really like it. I … get off on telling you what to do.”

  He sat back on his heels. “All the time?”

  I shrugged. “In bed.”

  “And what do I get?”

  I flashed him a cocky smirk. “You get to fuck me.”

  “But on your terms.”

  “Yes.”

  “What if I don’t like your terms?”

  I shrugged again. “That’s the only way this can work.”

  “Why? Did something happen to you?”

  “No, nothing fucking happened to me.” His question riled my defensiveness, and I silently told myself to calm down. “It’s just … how I am.” I huffed and looked away. “I can be nice, you know! It’s not like I’m going to strap on a leather skin suit, gag you and shove a ten-inch dildo up your ass.” Not without asking…

  “Oh, I know you’re not fucking doing that.”

  This was getting awkward. He was thinking and taking too long to make up his mind. The moment was rapidly dissolving, and the longer he contemplated the situation, the more I wanted to rewind and erase the whole night.

  “Forget it.” This time when I tried to get up, he shoved me back down—hard—and moved so fast my thread of authority snapped.

  His hands pinned mine to the pillows, and his knees trapped my legs immobile. “Don’t move.”

  Trying to play it cool, I kept my tone dry. “I think you misunderstood the dynamic.”

  “I think you misunderstand me. You basically want me to do whatever you say. I’m not used to that. I need a second to think.”

  “Look, I get it if it’s not your thing. That’s why I told you this wouldn’t work—” His hand closed over my mouth, and my eyes bulged.

  Oh, he did not just shut me up! I bit him.

  “Ouch!” He jerked his hand back and examined his palm where teeth tracks left little divots. “You bitch.”

  “Give me my shirt.”

  “No.”

  “Noah.”

  “We’re not finished.”

  “I think we are.”

  He tipped his head back and glanced at the ceiling, mumbling something I couldn’t make out.

  “What?”

  “I said, I can’t believe I’m about to do this. Tell me what you want.”

  Was he serious? I didn’t expect him to actually agree. Figuring this was some sort of trick, I started small. “Kiss me.”

  He leaned down, and I turned my face away.

  “Not there.”

  He paused, mouth a few inches from my cheek and chuckled. “I’ll get to that—”

  “Start there.”

  “This is hot to you?” His frustration was palpable.

  “No. This is a waste of my time. I knew you couldn’t take orders from a girl.”

  “Yes, I can, but I want to be with you, not just service you like some…”

  I rolled my eyes to fight off any sting of tears. I didn’t do well with criticism. Who knew why I was the way I was. This whole exchange was to prove a point about how mismatched we were as any sort of couple, so I kept up the cold, selfish act.

  My manicured fingernail pointed toward the apex of my thighs. “Either put your face between my legs or get off of me so I can get dressed.”

  “You’re such a bitch.” He scooted lower and I blinked hard, wondering why being called a bitch didn’t feel like teasing this time. Maybe because I was being one.

  “Call me bitch one more time, and I’ll redefine the word for you.”

  He dropped to his elbows, and I spread my thighs, his warm frustrated breath bathing my soft skin.

  “Do you want me to take your panties off? This is so fucking weird.”

  “That’s it.” I swung my leg over his shoulders and sat up. “I’m done.”

  “No!” He tackled me to the bed and had me stripped in one second flat. “I’ll do it. Just…” He scooted low again. “Open your legs.”

  My thighs parted, and the room went utterly silent. “Fuck. That might be the prettiest view I’ve ever seen.”

  I pursed my lips and stared at the ceiling. This had gone on for far too long, and I was pretty sure I wouldn’t be coming again.

  A reluctant breath filled my lungs and gasped out as his fingers stabbed deep, and his mouth closed over my clit.

  “Yes.” Maybe the night could be salvaged after all…

  He shoved his shoulders under my knees, using the bulk of his arms to spread my thighs. Burying his tongue in my cunt, he fingered me and fucked me with his mouth. I didn’t even have to tell him what to do. It was like he knew every magical spot, and I was suddenly careening into an ocean of ecstasy.

  “Yes, yes… Don’t stop.” My body trembled as a wave of pleasure crashed over me.

  Warm breath teased over my wet folds as he lifted his head. “Again?”

  Panting, I nodded. He fed his fingers into me, stuffing me full and pumping hard as his mouth nibbled and sucked. His other hand teased lower, and the second his finger breached the tight tissue there I came hard against his tongue.

  Throat dry, I swallowed huge gulps of air as my entire body thrummed. My mind was spinning. Either I hadn’t had sex in so long I’d forgotten how good foreplay was, or he was extremely gifted.

  “Again,” he growled. He didn’t hesitate, nor did he wait for permission to sink his fingers back inside of me.

  His touch filled me every possible way, his tongue twisting as his teeth scraped over-sensitized flesh. My body was a red-hot ember that never had a chance to cool. The more he pleasured me, the less effort it took to orgasm.

  “Fuck!” My legs trembled as I came almost violently, but he didn’t relent. On and on, he penetrated every opening, tasted every exposed inch of secret flesh. One release blurred into the next until I was sure I was losing my mind.

  “Enough.” I panted. “No more.”

  “Bullshit. One more. Give it to me, Avery. Give me one more good one.” His fingers rubbed rapidly over my swollen clit, and I couldn’t take it.

  My hand grabbed for his, but he was faster, pinning my wrist to the bed.

  “It’s too much!”

  “You can take it.”

  “Noah, I can’t!”

  He pressed a finger deep, and I wriggled back, but there was no escaping him. He was everywhere, using his larger body to trap me beneath him, gripping my limbs with his heavier ones.

  “Let go, Avery. I’ve got you.”

  Something was happening. It was too overwhelming, too intense. I was scared. I wanted it, yet I didn’t. The sheer vacillation of my thoughts was terrifying. “No, stop!”

  �
��You’re there. Just let go.”

  I was there, but the drop seemed too far, deadly and life-altering. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t reckless like him. Something inside of me, something insecure and vulnerable whimpered at the unknown. And then it was too late.

  All pretexts that separated my many façades shattered, obliterating my thoughts. My grip on reality slipped through my fingers as my voice echoed around the room as if shouting from someone else.

  I was hot and cold. Sweating and shivering. My mouth was parched, and my vision unclear. I fell into a dark place where there was no pain. There was fear, but I was too far away for it to reach me, yet I was aware of its presence.

  Floating. Buzzing. I was high as a fucking kite on endorphins, as hot-blooded and hungry as an injected addict, too gone to do more than let numbing pleasure swallow me whole.

  What the fuck did he do to me? Pressure welled behind my eyes as something painful bloomed in my chest. My demons exorcised by the flick of his hand, I shivered with drenched thighs on the bed, pleasure racing up my spine in the aftermath of an orgasm unlike any other.

  I couldn’t stop shaking, even as he wrapped me in his arms and pulled me to his lap. I went without a struggle, curling into the shelter of his strength like a scared little girl unsure of who to trust.

  “Shh… I have you.”

  His lips pressed against my hair, as his fingers curled around the back of my neck and held me close. His heart beat steadily beneath my ear, warm moisture seeping from my eyes.

  Was I crying? I wiped my face, mortified and confused by my tears.

  “It’s okay. You were beautiful.”

  Then it hit me. He’d tricked me. He acted like I was in charge, made me believe I had his devoted surrender, but he held the upper hand all along. He stole the authority right out from under me, and now I was the fool crying in his lap getting fucking aftercare for something I wasn’t sure I consented to do.

  We hadn’t even had sex, yet he absconded with part of my soul and hid it someplace no one would ever find it again. Gone forever, and more valuable than a hundred virgins’ innocence. Whatever he took, he stole it. It was my Cosmo all over again, but so much more. I shoved at his chest.

  “Don’t. You’re going to let me hold you.”

  My jaw locked as I blinked against my infuriating tears. “You tricked me.”

  “I worshipped you.”

  I was angry and confused and relieved in a way I didn’t understand. It was too much. Too intimate. Too open. Too … real.

  No matter how many times I tried to break the hold he had over me, both emotionally and physically, he wouldn’t let go. And somehow I knew there was no going back to the way things were.

  “I hate you.”

  He sighed and pressed his lips to the top of my head, keeping them there as he whispered, “No, you don’t.”

  Didn’t I? Every feeling toward him was now tarnished with this moment I’d never be able to erase. I wasn’t the sort of girl who found comfort in exposing the soft underbelly of her soul. I needed the upper hand at all times. I foolishly trusted him. I believed him when he said he’d try it my way. But that was all a lie.

  I didn’t hate him for lying. I hated him for tricking me into something I didn’t want to feel. He made me vulnerable. He made me weak.

  Maybe I didn’t hate him, but I was certain I couldn’t trust him.

  Tonight wasn’t supposed to change anything, yet after he stole the control, it changed everything. “I want to go home.”

  “We’re staying.”

  Yeah. I hated him.

  16

  Noah

  My mind blanked as I rocked her in my arms, tucking her head under my chin to keep my startled stare hidden from her view. Jesus, what the hell just happened?

  I got that she liked to play Little Miss Bossy Boots in bed, but this was more than that. I wondered if she ever had an orgasm that wasn’t manufactured in her own puppeteering way. Had every guy she’d ever been with let her call the shots—one hundred percent of the time? No way.

  I was outside of my jurisdiction, but now I was involved. As I rocked her, I tried to decide if I pushed us into a better, more honest territory or if I majorly crossed a line. Fuck me, because I didn’t know.

  She sniffled, breathing settled as I rocked her, and her limbs slowly relaxed. The tension in her spine curling as she settled more onto my lap.

  Avery was an ongoing contradiction. One minute she was assertive and self-assured, and the next minute, she was vulnerable and insecure. How had I ever thought her to be tough? But she was tough, just not now as her tears chilled my chest and her shoulders gently shook under her soft, jagged breaths.

  She reminded me of a dam. Chip one hole in the wall and from a tiny leak, sprung a tsunami. Maybe only an insane man would pick at such a barricade. She’d been closed off for a reason, and I arrogantly assumed I could handle whatever was on the other side. Now, I wasn’t so sure.

  Easing onto the pillows, I pulled her into my side. She tensed the moment we shifted positions, but a quick tightening of my grip showed her I wasn’t letting go and she didn’t waste her time arguing.

  “Let’s just lie here together.”

  She made no comment or objection. Every once in a while she’d blink, and I’d feel the flick of her long lashes against my bare chest.

  Her full breasts pressed like warm pillows against my ribs, and I loved the weight of her in my arms. Every breath filled my lungs with her scent, and I found nothing but tranquility in the tease of her hair. Some strands clung to my five o’clock shadow, and for some reason, this turned me on. It made me want to drag kisses over her front and leave her skin rosy with whisker burn. But not tonight.

  She was emotionally wrung, and I was a little out of my element. I had the sense that she’d fall asleep if I held her here long enough. My phone was on the nightstand. If she passed out, I could look a few things up, find out more about all this topping business.

  I loved sex and got a rush out of a good, rough fuck, the same as I got a rush out of playful foreplay, and intimate lovemaking. Sex was sex. It was good even when it was just okay. But maybe for Avery, it was only good when it was a certain way.

  I knew about BDSM. I’d overheard water cooler talk from the girls in the office when the whole Fifty Shades thing happened, but I’d never actually met a real person who was into that scene—that I knew of.

  How into it was Avery? Who had she slept with before and what had they done? I wanted to know everything about her and her past, but first, I needed to bone up on my knowledge. I meant it when I’d said I’d try. It wasn’t my fault I naturally took the lead. She couldn’t blame me for that. Could she?

  Fuck, I needed to do an internet search.

  Her breathing tapered into soft, even breaths. How far would I be willing to take this? We hadn’t even had sex, and this already seemed more intense than any other hook-up. How was that possible?

  The longer I considered my history with women and the big question mark that was Avery’s past, the more I felt like an uninformed virgin. Nine times out of ten, I was doing it missionary. I’d had anal, but only that one time on my birthday and Margaux never wanted to try it again after that. She hated it so much I never asked for it again—with anyone.

  Come to think of it, I hardly ever asked for anything. If a girl went down on me, it was a bonus, never an expectation. My head was so fucked from finding out my best friend had fucked my long term girlfriend, I just wanted to be with women who were glad to be with me. And I bailed long before they ever had the chance to reject me.

  My sister was right. I was still a mess from Margaux. She and Shane were married, yet here I was, holding my naked neighbor and thinking about the bitch who fucked me over with my best friend.

  I dragged a hand over my face, trying to scrub away all the uncomfortable memories. I had to get over this. And maybe I was ready. Maybe that’s why I wanted a shot with Avery so badly, to prove I was ready to mo
ve on. But what if Avery was more than I could handle?

  I glanced down at her sleeping face. Dried tear tracks marked her perfect skin, and my breath caught at how fragile she suddenly appeared. It was so different from the hard ass she usually pretended to be, yet I recognized this side of her too. I’d spotted some of this vulnerability in her the night she went out with that grease ball. I still couldn’t figure out why she’d go out with someone like that. Money or not, she was way too good for that guy.

  Reaching for my phone, I tried not to jostle her. Turning the volume on low, I started my search. If I could just understand what the end goal was, I might have an easier time agreeing to her terms.

  Within the first five minutes of searching, I knew I wouldn’t find what I was looking for. There was no forum out there with notes specifically tailored to Avery Johansson’s kinks. And that was what I wanted. I wanted to know her every fantasy, and I wanted to be the one in the driver seat, taking her places she’d never been before. It seemed those places would be new to me as well, but I was game if she was.

  The longer I read about it online, the more intrigued I became. I definitely saw the appeal of such a delineated, dominant role. But I worried Avery and I were both attracted to the same side of the coin, which might be why she claimed we would never work as more than friends.

  17

  Avery

  My body tensed as I opened my eyes. Nothing about waking up in Noah’s arms felt right. Not this place, not this room, and certainly not the shit he pulled last night.

  Glancing to the side, I noted the way his chest rose and fell with each even breath. Silently sliding the covers off my body, I slipped one foot to the edge of the mattress and carefully eased—

  A large hand closed around my bare arm. “Where are you going?”

  I scowled at the fingers gripping my forearm, memories of last night rushing to the surface and warming my cooled rage. I wasn’t falling for his tricks today.