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  I gave Gavin what he needed, and he gave me things I never expected to want. In his home, I was free. I was powerful. I was wanted.

  I scrolled through the document, noting the various improvements he’d made. Not only was his vocabulary better than mine, he had everything formatted with proper headings and all the required important information.

  The essay—How My Family Changed the Way I See the World—was perfect. It was raw and honest and almost painful to read at parts, boasting the right amount of drive with plenty of hardship. Portrayed in a manner that a person would have to be a monster not to empathize with my plight. It was a beautiful explanation of hope and adversity.

  “What do you think?”

  I blinked up at him and smiled. “I think every time I read it, it gets better. This might actually work, and I’ll have you to thank.”

  He smiled, his dimple flashing with a good amount of boyish charm. “You need my credit card?”

  “You’re sure about this?” This was my only option, and I’d never be able to pay back the money.

  His fingers softly brushed a strand of hair away from my face. “I’m sure.”

  Gavin had become my one sanctuary. He knew what my life was like at home, had seen enough when Drew still lived here to know there was a reason each one of us counted down the days until we could leave.

  Now, with just Kenny and me left, things were getting unbearable. Momma was drinkin’ all the time, and dinner was hardly ever defrosted, let alone hot.

  Gavin fed me, watched TV with me, helped me with homework, he even … loved me. But neither of us ever breathed a word of such feelings out loud. I just knew it like I knew I’d never survive this place alone once he enlisted.

  We filled out the application and attached the scholarship essay. He hesitated just before hitting send and glanced over his shoulder at me.

  “You want to do the honors?”

  I leaned over his arm and clicked. A swarm of hornets teased my insides as the computer made a little whoosh sound and the application was sent.

  “Now, we wait.”

  His head tilted, his cheek resting on my hip as we both stared at the “message sent” note on the screen. My fingers grazed the stubble of his jaw, and he sighed.

  “You’ll get it. I feel it in my gut.”

  I looked down at his face wondering where he found so much faith in me. I wasn’t anyone special. But for some reason, he always believed I was capable of great things, sometimes before I even knew I wanted them.

  Sliding off the chair, he dropped to the floor and kneeled. I stepped back and looked down at him, noting the swollen bulge in his pants. He was the only one I’d ever been with, the only one I could imagine being with. And come April he’d be gone.

  “What do you want?” I’d give him anything, but he didn’t want to know that. He liked to work for every concession, earn every ounce of praise. He’d make a great soldier.

  His gaze remained cast toward the floor, his posture rigid, his arms behind his back and his shoulders lifting with labored breaths. “I want to touch you. Please you.”

  I wasn’t sure what other people did, but this was all I knew. It was everything Gavin confessed to wanting, and his fantasies spoke to me the moment I first heard them. “Get on the bed.”

  He climbed onto the mattress and rolled to his back, crossing his hands over his head where a pair of leather studded cuffs draped. He never touched me first. Everything was my choice, and he only put his hands on me if I commanded it. I went to the drawer where he kept his other toys.

  He was, without a doubt, the safest person I had in my life, and it pained me to imagine him leaving, which was why I had to get the hell out of there, too. “Do you want pain?”

  He sucked in a sharp breath, the sound full of palpable anticipation. “Yes, please.”

  I wasn’t gentle with him, and he preferred I not be. Gavin had his own difficult demons to overcome. He sometimes said the only way to numb the pain of his past was to create pain in the present. I got that. For me, the only way to escape the uncertainty of my present was to take control of the now. Gavin gave me control, and I was addicted to the rush that came with his surrender.

  If there was something broken in us, we fixed it for each other. “Spread your legs.”

  * * *

  My gaze lifted to the ceiling as a tear rolled from my eye, the memories fading the way precious love letters become more tattered each time they’re reread. Gavin died in action the November after he enlisted and I rarely let myself think of him.

  We made a promise the day he left. We were both getting out of Blackwater, and neither of us ever wanted to look back, not even for each other. It was survival of the fittest and holding on to the past would be an anchor keeping us there.

  Nothing about me and Gavin’s relationship was ever meant to be permanent, but he released something inside of me that wouldn’t go away. He helped me find a piece of me I hadn’t known was there and after losing him, that piece remained.

  I had no regrets for the short yet defining time he was a part of my life. He was the one person I wished could watch me graduate in the spring, but that was impossible.

  I rolled to my side and wiped my eyes. There was a reason I didn’t let people in. Friends were wonderful—while they lasted. But when they disappeared, the pain was unbearable. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to take that kind of risk again.

  But part of me wanted Noah as a friend. There was something different about him, something I struggled to resist. Finding him attractive complicated matters. But what attracted me most of all was the thought that I might be ready to try to make friends. Was my life finally reaching that point of normal? God, I hoped so.

  13

  Avery

  Barely awake, I took the elevator to the bottom floor. Last night I’d tossed and turned until I was certain I wouldn’t sleep. Around three in the morning, I decided to release some tension, so I pulled out some heavy artillery.

  There I was, having a nice old time with myself, picturing God knows what, when Noah’s face suddenly popped into my head. He was looking down at me, eyes heavy, mouth crooked in a half grin, strong hands touching my breasts, pinching me, pinning me…

  I shoved away the images but my body responded too soon. Legs quivering, heart racing, the memory of those visions sent my sex into overdrive. Fuck!

  I’m supposed to be in command here! Could I not even maintain control when I fingered myself?

  “Damn it.” I blew out a frustrated breath. Not what I had in mind.

  I passed out for a couple of hours until my alarm went off at dawn, and now I was zombie-walking my exhausted ass to the gym. Damn Noah. He wasn’t supposed to be in my head, and he certainly wasn’t supposed to be in my fantasies. He was ruining everything.

  Thinking we could be friends was a mistake. From now on, I was not going to think about him. If I saw him, fine, I’d be polite. But there would be no downtime Noah thoughts. I should have never let him touch me last night.

  Swiping my card through the keypad, I pushed into the gym and froze. Was someone here? No one ever used the gym this early besides me. Great. I hated working out around other people, and I didn’t bring anything to cover up. Hopefully, it was a woman, because my sports bra and booty shorts weren’t exactly concealing and I wasn’t going back upstairs.

  Heavy footfalls pounded as the motor of a treadmill hummed. I turned the corner and came up short.

  Him.

  “Morning, neighbor!” he shouted, face all chipper like he’d already gotten in his Wheaties and knocked out a decent warm up.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Girl, last night I killed half a bottle of wine and, after my company left, I annihilated an entire pizza. From lips to hips, I swear.”

  He was making fun of me, and I sort of liked it. Hiding a smile, I climbed onto the other treadmill.

  The gym was nothing fancy, but it was private, for residents only, and had all
the basic necessities. Two treadmills, a step machine, free weights, mats, yoga balls, and a few press machines. Except now, there was a wolf in my den.

  I adjusted the incline and set my track for eight miles. My gaze skittered to his settings and saw he’d already been at it for thirty minutes. It didn’t matter. This wasn’t Noah time. It was me time. I plugged my headphones into my ears and hit play.

  Florence + the Machine’s Shake It Out came on, and my body fell into a steady rhythm as I shut out everything else. The drums kicked in, and she sang about burying regrets and pushing through challenges, and my heart rate picked up the pace. By the time her voice careened into the first climax, my speed was up, and I was going full throttle.

  I loved to run, the freedom of it, the results, the endorphins. It was exhilarating, and it was mine. Faster, I raced to a goal I couldn’t see but felt deep in my bones. There was a better me out there, and if I ran hard enough, I’d eventually find her.

  All of my issues peeled away as sweat broke over my skin and my mind cleared. The chorus kicked in, and I was lost, going hard and fast toward everything I wanted and—

  My steps faltered as my earbud was yanked out and Florence cut off.

  Noah ran at a rapid pace, his head angled in my direction. “Hey.”

  I quickly lowered my speed and scowled at him. “Do you mind?”

  “No, not at all. What are you listening to?”

  He was like a child that needed constant attention. Adorable, but draining. “Music.” I plugged my earbud back in only to have it yanked out again. “Hey!”

  “Talk to me.”

  It was too early for conversation. “I don’t talk when I workout. I clear my head and listen to music.”

  He pursed his lips. A second later, he jumped off his machine and was fiddling with his phone and the sound system by the door. I wasn’t sure if we were allowed to touch that. I always brought my own music.

  “I think that belongs to someone.”

  “Yeah, me.” He plugged his phone into the AUX outlet. “Now, we can both listen.”

  I had a rapid two-second guessing game of what song he might choose. I wasn’t even close.

  The quick bass came on, and Robin Thicke’s sexy voice filled the gym, talking about good girls getting nasty and wanting dirty sex with blurred lines. Noah bounced back to his machine, cranked up the pace, and tossed me a defiant smile.

  Oh, was this some sort of challenge? Okay. I increased my stride and ran full speed ahead. Impressively, he kept pace. His longer legs meant he wasn’t working as hard, but whatever. I’d outrun him any day.

  I was in a full body sweat when Rhianna yelled Na, na, na, na, come on and started singing about whips and chains in S&M. His music wasn’t my type, but I was picking up on a theme in his playlist. When the chorus belted out about the scent of sex in the air, my body started to stir.

  At seven miles, my heart was thundering, and my legs were throbbing. The music dropped to a thrumming pulse as Nine Inch Nails’ Closer echoed through the gym, and I laughed. The guy truly had a one-track mind.

  I dropped my speed, and he dropped his, but we didn’t talk. We dialed back and glanced at each other every two and a half seconds as we cooled down for the last mile.

  But I didn’t feel cool. I felt tight and burning hot and ready to launch myself at him. This was absolutely not how my morning was supposed to go.

  I clicked off my machine, more concerned about getting a head start to safety than conquering that last tenth of a mile.

  “You quitting?” He punched his speed down to a slow crawl.

  “I’m done. See you later.”

  He frowned, but I pretended not to notice as I wiped off my machine and made a quick escape.

  The elevator was busy during this time of the morning, so I impatiently poked the button like a Morse code, as if that might get it here sooner. My gaze shot to the stairs, and I debated.

  A fight or flight sense of urgency buffeted me from all angles, yet I was alone in the hall. I heard the door open behind me just as the elevator arrived.

  I stepped in and turned. Noah paused at the door to the gym, breathing heavily, gaze fastened to mine. Sweat marked every muscle under his fitted T, delineating his six-pack and pecs. His arms were swollen, and his fists were clenched.

  Close the door… Close!

  No matter how much I willed the elevator to shut, time seemed to stand still. The door finally started to move, but Noah crossed the distance in two strides, pivoting and sliding into the elevator at the last second.

  I didn’t hit the floor button, and we didn’t move. We stared at each other in the cramped space, smelling like sweat and lust and sucking all the oxygen out of the air as we panted.

  The damp hair at the back of my neck prickled. He wasn’t blinking, and he wasn’t giving me much room. I was cornered.

  “Noah—”

  “Shut up.” He ducked down and caught my bare hips, lifting my back against the wall as he slammed his mouth over mine, his tongue plunging deep and demanding I kiss him back.

  “Mmph!” I shoved at his shoulders, but he anchored his hard body against mine forcefully, holding me prisoner and taking what he wanted.

  His hot mouth and talented tongue instantly lured me into the kiss. But I didn’t ask to be kissed, so I didn’t make it easy. I rammed my elbow into his ribs, but in the confined space it hardly drew a grunt out of him.

  “Kiss me back, Avery. Give in.”

  “No.” I bit at his lips, but that only seemed to encourage him.

  He growled and groped my breast through my damp sports bra, squeezing and tugging the unyielding fabric. “I want this off.”

  “Tough.” I ground my lips into his, pushing him off but never letting my mouth leave his. He took over, plunging his tongue deep and locking his fingers in my tangled ponytail.

  His hard cock gouged through his gym shorts into my hip, seeking my center as his fingers curled around my ponytail and tugged, exposing my throat to his mouth. It had been so long since a man kissed me with such desire. For a moment, I was lost, falling into a dark abyss of need as my limbs curled around his strength, my muscles humming, and my blood purring.

  My eyes went wide as the sheer size of him became evident. This was all wrong. This wasn’t the way I operated. He completely dominated me in bulk and strength, but I refused to allow him to dominate me in other ways. And how dare he knock me off balance like this!

  Reaching down, I grabbed hold of his bulging erection and curled my fingers like a talon around his cock and balls, demanding his attention. He sucked in a breath and jerked back.

  “That’s a little tight—”

  My grip intensified, my fingernails pressing through the loose fabric and delicate skin, as I leveled him with a look that told him my hold was intentional. “Put. Me. Down.”

  Uncertainty flashed in his eyes, and he lowered me to the floor. I didn’t release my grip as I stared up at him.

  He clutched my wrist. “Avery, you’re crushing my—”

  “Is this what you want? To fuck me in an elevator? Against a wall? Maybe on our way down the hall and on your granite countertops?”

  He groaned, the sound half pained, half excited. “If you could just loosen—”

  “Quiet.” I was done getting passively blindsided by this guy. “I warned you. I told you one day you’d try your luck with me and not like the result.” My grip tightened, his shorts, hard cock, and full balls fisted firmly in my hold. “I don’t do gentle, Noah. And I’m never a bottom. Understand?”

  “If you want to be on top—”

  “No. It’s not about the physical position. It’s about the mental one. I’m in charge. Always. And I don’t think you’d like that very much.”

  “Maybe I would.”

  I arched a brow, wishing that was true, but certain it wasn’t. “Have you ever had a woman fuck you, Noah? Ever experienced true helplessness and surrendered your will, your choice, and your body for her p
leasure?”

  His hungry eyes darkened. “Holy shit.”

  I loosened my hold but held his full attention. He could have stepped back, but he didn’t move an inch.

  My mouth curled into a slow, satisfied smile. I fucking loved achieving control. Especially when the man didn’t realize he was already under my spell, already submitting to my authority. But eventually, Noah would snap out of it and run.

  “You don’t want what I want, Mr. Wolfe, so maybe it’s best we just remain … friends.” A friend was what I needed more than anything else.

  He didn’t move, didn’t answer.

  “Push the button, Noah.”

  He blinked and turned, and we were suddenly moving. The short ride seemed a year long as his gaze kept shooting to me. My expression was a mask over secrets he’d never know.

  The doors parted, and I stepped out, leaving him staring. I didn’t have to look back to know he watched me until the moment I disappeared inside my apartment. Let him figure it out, jerk off a few loads, and find a passive plaything. I wasn’t that girl, and he wasn’t my guy. The sooner that sank in for the both of us, the sooner our lives would find balance again.

  I toed off my tennis shoes and flinched as a fist pounded on my door. “Open the door, Avery.”

  What. The. Fuck?

  Couldn’t he take a hint?

  He pounded again. “Avery.”

  My heart jerked. This never happened before. I never had a guy literally refuse to accept no for an answer. I slowly crept to the entrance, standing where my feet wouldn’t cast shadows.

  He banged his fist again, and I flinched again. “I know you’re in there. You’re hiding.”

  I wasn’t hiding. Was I? I forced myself to say something.

  “Go home, Noah.”

  Silence.

  I lifted to my toes and peeked through the peephole, only to find him hunched around my doorframe, shoulders taut, as he bore down on my only escape. My heart did a cartwheel in my chest as I sagged back against the wall. Why wouldn’t he give up?